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The late Sulli, “I only ever feel in control when I hurt myself”

On November 13, Sulli’s autobiographical content, the Netflix original series “Persona: Sulli”, was released, featuring an interview she gave in 2019 before her passing.

“Persona: Sulli” includes the short film “4: Clean Island” (written by Kim Ji-hye, directed by Hwang Soo-ah and Kim Ji-hye) and the feature documentary “Dear Jinri (Sulli’s real name)” (written/directed by Jung Yoon-seok).

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“4: Clean Island” tells the story of “4”, who dreams of immigrating to the cleanest place on earth, “Clean Island”, as she shares the story about a special pig at a strange immigration checkpoint where people have to confess their sins in order to pass through.

Here, Sulli projected her own image on the unfortunate “pig” and delivered a monologue. She asked, “Who is more advantageous in going to heaven: someone who lives righteously without remorse, or someone who keeps confessing and repenting for their mistakes while continuing to live poorly?”, adding, “I think God would love the latter more. To believe in God, you need sins. A being without sins cannot know God.”

Meanwhile, the documentary “Dear Jinri” discusses various concerns and thoughts of artist Sulli and of the twenty-five-year-old Choi Jin-ri (Sulli’s real name) through interviews, using the song “Dorothy” from Sulli’s album “Goblin” as a motif.

Here, when the director asked, “Do you think idols are also workers? Do you think idols should be guaranteed rights like minimum wage, guaranteed working hours, and so on?”, Sulli responded with a strong “Yes. I really hope so”

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Then, against the director’s question of “Do you think Idols should have a union for those aspects?”, Sulli passionately responded, “They should”.

According to Sulli, she felt as if idols are treated like a product, and that people don’t view celebrities as humans. 

“From my perspective, people don’t see us (celebrities) as humans. When I first entered the entertainment industry, there’s something that I believed at the time, and that people won’t stop telling me, which is ‘You are a product’ and ‘You must be the best product with the best quality for the public’. Even when people don’t call me a product, they would treat me like one. I have to be something they want. I have to fear losing my ‘product quality’”, she said.

The idol-actress also mentioned that she often blamed and belittled herself to endure this stress and pressure, saying, “That’s the only thing I have control over. I only ever feel in control when I hurt myself, when I blame myself, and when I criticize myself”. 

With tears in her eyes, Sulli revealed, “I never thought (the system was wrong). When I said I was having a hard time, all the burdens on my shoulders… I couldn’t think about such things. Have you seen the movie ‘The Matrix’? ‘Take the red pill and know the truth and live a difficult life, or just live without knowing.’ If I had lived without knowing, wouldn’t I be living a happy life? I often think that.”

Through “Persona: Sulli”, Sulli expressed that she has awakened compared to the past, has realized the pain, and also expressed her pain unpretentiously. Throughout the interview, Sulli, who had difficulty connecting sentences and had many thoughts, showed her probably last “public appearance”. 

Her story, especially in the current thriving K-pop idol market, hints at the shadows it casts, touching the hearts of viewers.

Source: Nate

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